Why Childhood Was Never Meant to Be a Competition

From the moment children are born, somebody is measuring something.

Their weight.

Their height.

When they smiled.

When they rolled over.

When they took their first steps.

As they grow older, the measuring continues.

Reading levels.

Times tables.

Sporting ability.

Exam results.

Friendship groups.

University places.

Careers.

Houses.

Relationships.

Somewhere along the way, comparison quietly becomes part of the background noise of life.

In many ways, that's understandable. As humans, we naturally notice the people around us. We look for similarities, differences and clues about where we fit into the world.

Comparison isn't something we can simply switch off.

But I do think we need to be careful about the meaning we attach to it.

Because there's a difference between noticing someone else's journey and using it to judge our own.

The more time I've spent alongside children, the more I've come to believe that childhood was never meant to be a competition.

Yet it's surprisingly easy for it to become one.

Children compare themselves with classmates who finish their work more quickly.

They notice who's chosen for the team.

Who gets the highest marks.

Who has the biggest friendship group.

Who seems more confident.

And if we're honest, adults aren't immune to it either.

We compare careers.

Relationships.

Homes.

Parenting.

Success.

It seems that the things we compare change as we grow older.

The habit itself often doesn't.

Perhaps that's because comparison begins quietly.

Parents are encouraged to track milestones from the very beginning. Schools quite naturally assess progress. Society celebrates achievement. None of those things are wrong in themselves.

The difficulty comes when we begin to believe that someone else's journey has become the standard by which ours should be measured.

Because what if they're not even heading to the same destination?

We often compare people as though they're running the same race.

But they're not.

Every child is growing into a different person.

Every adult is building a different life.

One person might meet the love of their life at twenty and spend decades happily together.

Another might not find that relationship until their thirties or forties.

Neither story is better.

They're simply different.

One young person might leave school with outstanding exam results and choose a career that makes them wonderfully happy.

Another might struggle in school, discover their strengths elsewhere and build a successful business doing something they genuinely love.

Neither journey says more about the value of the person travelling it.

It simply reminds us that success isn't one-size-fits-all.

That's why I love this thought:

Children aren't growing on the same timeline because they aren't growing into the same person.

When we forget that, comparison starts asking children to become somebody they're not.

It quietly whispers,

"Be more like them."

Dress like them.

Think like them.

Achieve what they achieve.

Want what they want.

Live the life everyone else admires.

Over time, children can begin to shrink themselves in order to fit the mould they believe other people will value.

But confidence whispers something very different.

"Become more like you."

Discover what excites you.

Stay curious about the world.

Find the things that make you lose track of time.

Learn what matters to you.

Build a life that reflects your values, not someone else's expectations.

Throughout this series we've talked about identity, confidence, belonging and resilience.

None of those things remove comparison completely.

We're human.

We'll always notice what other people are doing.

But they do something much more powerful.

They help comparison lose its authority.

Because when children know who they are, they no longer need somebody else's life to tell them whether they're succeeding.

That doesn't mean they stop admiring other people.

In fact, I hope the opposite happens.

I hope they learn to celebrate other people's successes without questioning their own worth.

To cheer their friends on.

To recognise other people's strengths.

And at the very same time, to know and appreciate the strengths they bring themselves.

Those two things can exist together.

Perhaps that's one of the healthiest relationships we can have with success.

The opposite of comparison isn't complacency.

It's contentment with your own journey while still celebrating someone else's.

What a wonderful gift that would be to give a child.

One day, your child will meet people who are more talented than they are in some things.

They'll meet people who reach milestones sooner.

People who seem to have life all figured out.

My hope is that, instead of asking,

"What does their success say about me?"

they quietly ask,

"What kind of life do I want to build?"

Because that's a question comparison can never answer.

Only they can.

Something to think about...

If your child never compared themselves with anybody else...

What would success look like to them?

Perhaps that's the picture worth holding onto.

Because childhood was never meant to be about keeping up with everyone else.

It was always meant to be about discovering who you are and having the confidence to become that person.